I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
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me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Today and my dermatologist husband stopped a European man buying sunscreen, saying “I’m not trying to be weird, but that is not the sunscreen for you. I’m a dermatologist.” This man ended up picking out what husband recommended and said “you have great skin so I must trust you.”
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.