I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
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“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Someone suggested I try online dating, but it’s like I’m already on twitter duh
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Would you wear it?
Just put on my brand new shirt.
Now to take a big sip of coffee and check to see why Dave Grohl is trending on Twitter…
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
My 12yo stole all the nice socks that I rightfully stole first from my mom.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
definitely did not do anything wrong
chat should i buy a house or 1 sabrina carpenter ticket?
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
That de-escalated quickly
