I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
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Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
It kinda feels like this rn
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
i baked you a cake
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.