I’ve got the longest to do list for today, just need to figure out who is going to do it
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*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
much to think about
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
#JohnTravolta
If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning