I’ve got the longest to do list for today, just need to figure out who is going to do it
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Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
I used to be married, but I’m better now
“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
I commented to a friend that I didn’t know how goofy Scream was. It turns out I have never seen Scream. I saw Scary Movie.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.