Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.

Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly

Me:

Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.

Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.

I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.

Don’t even get into my car if you’re just gonna scream every time I hit someone.

Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!

Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game

One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window when he said ‘It’s going to rain.’
His wife asked, ‘How do you know?’
He replied, ‘Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear

it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore

receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.

[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.

For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.

1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”

2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”

[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell

WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.

Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.

I stand incorrected.

I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭

Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.

HER: my water broke

ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues

Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?

My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.

There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.

It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.

Wife: How’d you do?

Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!

Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.

My house: I ALWAYS WIN

I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half

me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed

GF: it’s ok lol

[middle of the night]

me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana

I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.

This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.

*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no