Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop

Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.

I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.

My mind is like someone dumped the entire junk drawer on a trampoline

*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*

“Only God can judge me”

People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.

For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.

Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”

Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.

[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

Enter password:

“ScoobyDoo”

sorry password must contain a special character

ScoobydooFeaturingBatman

Anyone under 6ft 4 who wants to use an umbrella in a crowd should have to do a course.

Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed

Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.

Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.

The Hurricane came through here like a tornado

-Lady on the News just now

I don’t want to live on this planet anymore

I know there are bigger problems in the world right now but I’ve just realised I’ve never seen a baby seagull.

7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.

Hippocrates did very well for himself,

considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.

guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse

*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions

My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.

I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up

[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!

Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.

INFORMER!!!

Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…

A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!

Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like

GOOGLE: *please create password*

ME: *Giraffe_Neck*

GOOGLE: *password is too long*

ME: *The_Revenant*

GOOGLE: *password is too long*

ME: *CVS_receipt*

GOOGLE: *dude*

[police station]

I’d like to fill out a police report.

*describes myself to the sketch artist*