Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.

I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.

According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8

Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.

Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?

that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total

[christmas morning]

ME: I have no gifts to bring

EVERYONE: booooo

ME: …pa rum pum pum pum

EVERYONE: yayyyyyy

If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣

7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead

dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed

Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.

This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies

This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.

Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.

I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.

Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.

Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.

what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything

That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.

[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry

moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend

A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.

I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”

I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.

I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place

My brother and dad have been arguing over a broken PS1 since February 2000. My brother said my dad broke it one night drunk. Truth is my mate broke it claiming he knew how to chip it and I’ve never told anyone. My mum is on my brother’s side. Comes up at least 5 times a year.

Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name

Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert

I put my phone in airplane mode.

Worst. Transformer. Ever.

Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!

The 9 circles of hell:

9) limbo

8) lust

7) gluttony

6) greed

5) anger

4) heresy

3) violence

2) fraud

1) shopping on Black Friday

Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat

[an eagle shrieks in the distance]