Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number

“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever

My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.

I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.

A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?

John Cougar Melon Camp

My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.

Therapist: So what’s the problem?

Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.

Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.

*lowers foot that was raised*

When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.

Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that

AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat

BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*

I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.

An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.

Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?

In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me

Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors

Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work

Math at Halloween.

My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.

My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit

It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.

The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png

Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim

Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”

Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target

1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.

[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cards

HIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention

Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today

Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee

Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes

Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.

a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins

Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up

My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.