Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.

[3am]

no one:

not a soul:

my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself

Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle

When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.

I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.

I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays

It will be called Side Chick.

Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.

I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”

Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.

Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something

Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.

So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?

Dating is hard.

It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years

Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.

Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.

*adds resume embellisher to resume*

Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.

My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.

Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !

Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?

the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”

[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man

Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!

Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?

6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God

My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.

yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁

Friend: can I borrow £20?

Me: No.

*slides me £20

Friend: How about now?

Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.

Me: “Your mum sucks.”

GF: “That’s not very nice.”

Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”

My brother and dad have been arguing over a broken PS1 since February 2000. My brother said my dad broke it one night drunk. Truth is my mate broke it claiming he knew how to chip it and I’ve never told anyone. My mum is on my brother’s side. Comes up at least 5 times a year.

Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.

Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.