Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi

Chameleon: hold on.

sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth

A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”

I accidentally called my neighbor’s 23 month old son a 2-year old and now the cops are here.

My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.

When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”

Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.

therapy: $500

tattoo: $500 but cooler

Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.

You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.

interviewer: are you a good listener

TV captioner: yes

interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately

TV captioner: oh yeah

interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you

Me: is it because make up phrases

Girlfriend: yes

Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch

Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about

In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.

One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.

this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket

Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.

me: want to go hunting this weekend?

friend: sure i’m game.

me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.

latin students necrophiliacs

🤝
enjoying a dead tongue

Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”

Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”

Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”

Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.

I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food

15: I smell upsexy.

Me: What the hell is upsexy?

15: Not much. What’s up with you?

When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines

“It’s just down the street ” – me describing a location 47 miles away

“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”

If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.

You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.

I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.

Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.