I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
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Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
my sister, since we’re at a 10-hour time difference now, which means that she lives “in the future”
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick