I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
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Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
4yo was mad that I sang the “wrong” lyrics to his version of Baby Shark. Then:
4yo: Mommy, I’m sorry I was rude to you.
Me (🥺): Oh, baby, thank you for apologizing. I forgive you.
4yo: Now YOU say YOU are sorry.
Me: …why?
4yo: 😠 Of being RUDE and singing the WRONG WORDS.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.