Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”

Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals

At the park.

4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?

Me:

Me:

Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!

So now I’m told that when cats bring in dead mice, they aren’t “trophies”, but a critique on your own ability to hunt and feed yourself. Which is a bit rich from an an animal that gives it the big leg rub when it fancies a pouch of salmon & herring, the grifting whiskery pricks.

I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast

A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.

Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”

Things I learned today:

1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch

Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.

I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.

“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”

If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.

She: I like Cats
He:

If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”

Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”

And then they eat all your fries.

Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by all

Me:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes

Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?

Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?

*first time fishing*

Me: Ok now what

Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth

Me: orkay nrow wrhat

My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”

[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2

just gave my 5yo power of attorney

Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.

The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.

I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.

What a kind woman! 😂😂

Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker

I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake

7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches

Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder

So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold

I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.