Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.

Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.

Foolishly set my YouTube account up on the main house TV. Now she knows what I’m watching. Not a problem, but she also saw my own vids about restoring a land rover and how much its costing. Now I’m in trouble.

I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.

The grumpy one is crab B.

Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.

[at interview]

INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?

ME: Peter Piper.

INTERVIEWER: What does he do?

ME: It’s difficult to say.

Spider-cat: No One Home

The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.

Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.

Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY

3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery

The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that

Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.

I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.

My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.

My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.

HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want

“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920

Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.

Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight

“Omg, I literally just died”

-people who literally don’t know what literally means

COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.

This is no longer an app but a mishapp

I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited

Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people

My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic

Me:

My grandfather: The Grampacalypse

Me:

My grandfather: Grandmageddon

I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered

Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.

I wish I were a Jedi.

I don’t want to use the Force or anything.

I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.

Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.

“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul