Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.

[first date]

Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?

Her:

Me: Yeah, good choice.

If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it

“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”

I’m literally crying

If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”

The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool

Nothing at all like us…

I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.

So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.

Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?

Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight

Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)

Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge

took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name

Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.

wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job

I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.

Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.

If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.

it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”

I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.

“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”

Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich

My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.

– My neighbor

I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.

-people that are about to start ugly crying

I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.

People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.

I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….

*checks notes*

…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?

Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.

That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.

4: “Can I have one?”

“No.”

4: “Okay just 2.”

“No.”

4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”

3yo: Wipe me!

Me: What did you do?

3: Only pee and poop.

Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]

Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.

I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.

If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.