Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”

Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”

Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?

Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.

#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning

Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”

anyone else like Italian cereal

Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.

violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)

They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?

Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.

Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.

My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂

*helping son with math problem*

[hour later]

JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!

Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?

October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.

“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”

HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*

When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…

Y’know, to buy myself some time.

detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you

me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh

victim: well he had large forearms

me: oh thank christ

As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.

My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.

My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.

Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.

Doctor: Describe your usual day

Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat

Doctor: Okay I see the problem

Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or

It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem

I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.

[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon

2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer

Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”

felt cute might bury dad later idk

Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector

This tweet is brought to you by Tesco

My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.

She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.

*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo