“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
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Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!
They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.