I’ve got two, maybe three, quests left in me, but only if someone carries my horse.
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Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
It’s like this photographer has never seen a woman bring a rotisserie chicken to her Boudoir session before.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
I’m a bad bitch. Truly exceptional at being bad at everything.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Just like pasta, it is better to bend people to your will with boiling water and a large wooden spoon than to break them in half.
11: dad I have a confession
me: oh boy. What.
11: last night before you said it was bedtime I made a plate of nachos and put them under my bed. Then I ate them after bed time
me: 😂 how did you get your brother not to tattle?
9: I paid him off in nachos
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
A fake ID that makes you younger
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
I love when the IRS asks if I’ve lived in a state of emergency or disaster area in the tax year like every year hasn’t been a state of emergency or disaster area.