I’ve got two, maybe three, quests left in me, but only if someone carries my horse.
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Important reminders
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
More professions should have fantasy betting. One sec, babe. Gotta set my fantasy county commissioner lineup,
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
You can get poptarts but you can’t get momtarts because of the pastryarchy.
I am absolutely never leaving this website
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
Covid like
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.