Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”

Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did

Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That

Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.

I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”

I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.

Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it

Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.

7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”

Me: “Sleep.”

7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”

Exactly.

Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…

Thank you for your time.

[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.

*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*

I love you just the way you are.

Though I do have a few suggestions.

[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth

We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.

8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.

Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.

I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone

fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank

him: you’re an perfect 10.

me: omg, thank you!!! you want to go out some time or—

shoe salesman: i meant, your feet, sir.

[arrives in heaven]

how’d you die?

me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire

[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT

security at the airport getting more straightforward

Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.

[Later]

Friend: Where’d you guys meet?

Me: Family reunion

I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.

Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business

Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?

Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.

Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.

Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid

I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.

Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light

Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]