Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?

Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.

I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”

I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on

The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault

They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.

My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.

I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…

ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!

FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.

ME: It really is.

Me: It doesn’t have a tail, so I’m pretty sure it’s a hamster.

Tech support: *sigh*

Fine. Right click on your hamster…

Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.

step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks

succession but with mickey mouse and friends

The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.

“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”

-wet laundry

My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”

And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.

The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.

Me driving through Toronto

11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?

I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”

When I was little my folks would take me to Kmart and I’d walk off straight to security and tell them my mom was lost and get a lollipop.

I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal

guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???

By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies

once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.

No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.

In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son

Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours

Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.

Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart

2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*

Me: not like that