I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
You Might Also Like
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
cause of death:
autopsy.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.