I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
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all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
all bases covered
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.