Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.

Me: you know what’s sexy?

Mirror: no

My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.

My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.

Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”

Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though

i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now

The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.

Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.

#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes

If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.

things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party

I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.

Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.

“Stop hitting me.”

-Rock bottom.

Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?

Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.

Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.

[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*

All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.

Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦‍♂️🤷‍♂️

Therapist: what do we do when we are angry?
Me: we yell at people and then apologise later
Therapist: what do you need me for?

using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me

I hate when kids say “what the..” because what the fck was you bouta say ??? 🤨

I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.

When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around

I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.

X-tra spooky blend

Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece

me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god

Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.

Maybe there is no baby

I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams

Now I’m hungry.

“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”

Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.

How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant