Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.

Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.

No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.

Certainly wasn’t me.

I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.

I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?

HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan

I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.

Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.

“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”

“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”

“Oh rad bring it in”

I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong

[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me

if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs

So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.

Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.

A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.

It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.

am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall

From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.

Her)What that mouth do?

Me)Usually get me in trouble

Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?

Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok

When you find yourself walking on sunshine and realize you can’t trust Google Maps

reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”

Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god

Plastic surgeon: We can help with-

Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement

Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.

Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not

me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?

Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?

FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swear

ME: is it your liver & kidneys?

i bet it’s your liver & kidneys

The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.

kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card

*takes card*

kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?

no

is this your card ?

no

*27 cards later* is this your card ?

no…