Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*

doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week

me: the what

doc: the cabbage

me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??

doc:

i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)

the doc howled with laughter lmaooo

Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.

i was negotiating with a big but troublesome customer once about a project they wanted us to give them a schedule for without any sort of financial commitment. after a few back and forths where they weren’t getting what they wanted, they tried a new tack:

“well let’s pretend we give you guys the go ahead. what would the release date be then?”

me: “well in that case we’d pretend to give you a release date.”

there was a few moments of silence. i wasn’t invited back to future calls.

what’s in a name?

Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.

I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?

“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”

“Relax, grandma.”

*furiously knits a condom*

“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”

I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.

He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.

There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.

[Space]

No one: I can hear screaming

Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.

When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.

I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.

Butt weight. There’s more!

If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.

I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.

Me: I miss you.

My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.

Me: No, I just miss —

My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.

I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards

Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?

God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL

I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.

Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage

People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?

*planning the destruction of the human race

Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices

Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters

Toasters: You guys are amateurs…

ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait

I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.

I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.

“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn

Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.

Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72

Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with