i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
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it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
The Punning Dead.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.