I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days
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Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
yes… yes…
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
We decided to have money instead of children.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?
Tequila mockingbird.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*