I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days
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For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”