Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!

As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job

[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally

One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.

I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.

I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects

If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.

Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first

Always a little embarrassing having to admit that I met my wife through Twitter so whenever anyone asks I keep it vague and just say that she groomed me online.

[Me at job interview]

And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?

I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters

[ first date ]

her: i like a man who plans financially for the future

me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later

I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them

*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakable

Me: HAHA!

Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way

Me:

Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively

Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company

GF: I’m breaking up with you

Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why

Fails drug test.

Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.

[Snake Owners Club]

Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.

[Me & like 3 other guys leave]

Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?

me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]

10: this is nice dad

me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.

10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?

me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]

Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!

Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.

On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.

My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.

I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes

Nine: There’s safety in numbers

Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*

Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders

I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.

Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed

Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?