I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
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we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
These work great until they don’t.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.