I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
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I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
I wish all tests were things you peed on
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans: