Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.

Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.

Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?

Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together

Therapist: No

What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?

Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.

Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.

[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]

My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing

JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt

ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it

I’m not sure I like progress.

I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”

me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up

my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass

companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them

{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!

*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*

Me: want a piece?

Her: wrong, whole.

I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list

They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.

It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.

My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.

I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.

paramedic: [shining light into my eyes] what’s the last thing you remember

me: the question you just asked

*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction

Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.

Husband:

*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*

Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.

Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.

My so-called “friends” have asked that I stop referring to them that way.

Stop it! 😂

People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.

Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.

My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT

I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…

jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale