I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
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when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Extremely relatable.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
I found a guy today on Reddit that goes into the loss prevention subreddit and brags about how he is always stealing cheesecakes from Costco. He’s the cheesecake joker. He even tells them how he’s doing it
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
There’s a woman at the bar who is cheering the debate at unpredictable intervals and I was completely unable to figure out her politics until we realized she’s playing bingo
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled