In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
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No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.