Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe Einstein also had a secret Twitter account where he argued with Marie Curie about why uranium is overrated and she needs to have more chidren

THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging

ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me

But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…

Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.

Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.

*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”

[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]

Dog: I guess I could protect you?

Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket

I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.

[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*

*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*

And now we wait.

I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.

“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”

-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side

It was the best of times, it was the election year of times.

The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor

If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.

me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry

her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-

me: I mean I’ll do anything

her: I just said you can lis-

me: anything at all

A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”

Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.

Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*

Me: Is it food?

Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.

Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?

All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.

I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.

me: waiter, my soup is cold

waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir

me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold

I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…

gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.

A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours

Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour

WIFE: What are you doing?

ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga

WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?

ME:

WIFE: You fell down the stairs

ME: Yes

Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.

Me: *wakes up*

My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy