Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.

When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too

this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time

To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?

Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.

Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!

Uncharted Territory… underneath the refrigerator

WORD: wanna see paste options?

ME: no it’s fine

WORD: but check out these paste options

ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it

WORD: 🙁

ME: fine there I looked now move the box

WORD: 🙂

ME: it’s still there

WORD: which was your favorite 😐

Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.

Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well

Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.

not ‘nastiest’ but certainly one of the truest

Someone just called country music ‘farm emo’ and I’m dying

Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.

Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.

Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions

I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”

I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.

Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?

I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.

I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.

[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me

I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.

Getting married soon just need a spouse

Just seen a wild goose, think I’ll chase it. Surely this will be a fruitful endeavor

Thankfully the Five Guys employee offered me a fixed low interest rate loan so I could buy the cheeseburger with two patties

WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?

ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?

named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.

Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok

omfg can’t draw but I was just biking on some country roads, saw no one for miles. I loudly greeted the farmers dog at the exact moment a silent road cyclist whipped past. he definitely did not see the dog. he definitely thought I called him a puppy. I will never forget his face

Received some very disappointing news today