Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s so funny how fast you adapt. Literally four months after ending a twelve-year run of going to school for seven hours a day you’re like “wait, I have THREE classes today?! Is that legal?!”

Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”

“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to

If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.

guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?

guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should

I’m terrible with names…

…just ask my daughter Barry

Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.

it’s either covid or clever vampires

customs agent:
Anything to declare?

me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.

her: i like a guy that can last long 😉

me, a piece of flavored gum: shit

Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.

“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out

person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god

i don’t miss calls i stare at them

Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.

Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.

I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.

Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports

I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.

Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?

Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.

Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.

I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.

Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?

me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!

The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.

Be the change you want to see in the world!

Me: *goes back to bed

Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again

Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.

Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?

me: well, I am not certain but

If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.