I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
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Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Imagine people magazine putting you in their sexiest man alive issue and everybody response is no….. omg
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
the official breakfast of 2021
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse