Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.

Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella

Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?

Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.

Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior

my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that

me: not today santa

This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.

Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨

*solves baby formula supply chain issues*

“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers

netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”

my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)

date: i want a good listener

superman: 🙂

date: who can see inner beauty

superman: 🙂

date: and looks good in glasses

clark kent: 🙂

date: wait what the hell

[eraser factory]

BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?

ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself

How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.

Brb taking my potted plant for a walk

“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”

have we given a name to earth’s mini moon? may i suggest moon deng

TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red

Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.

Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?

[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?

Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”

My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win

{ texting judge get out of jury duty } My chupacabra just died :/ {remembering that i got their number illegally } I guessed your number

Santa is always broke after Christmas.

That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts

My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.

[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this

I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It

My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!

Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV

*throws caution to the wind*

*blows right back into face*