Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting

1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume

2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit

Him: It’s only a 20 minute hike. Why do you insist on so much bug spray?!
Me: Keeps the murder hornets away
Him: There’s no murder hornets in our state
Me: Then the spray is working

Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.

Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.

[Commercial for Disneyland]

Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?

I was very concerned with my Grandma today

The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.

All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.

Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.

Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals

literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”

Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.

Person: What’s your handicap?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t golf.

Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?

Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.

Me: [also now staring at the floor]

The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?

Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*

Mgr: What’d she want?

Me: nothing.

Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?

MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”

MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”

(Invention of the necktie)

I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.

Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.

Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie

The 9 circles of hell:

9) limbo

8) lust

7) gluttony

6) greed

5) anger

4) heresy

3) violence

2) fraud

1) shopping on Black Friday

*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*

FRODO: what is it?

SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been

FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam

[literally one step later]

SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been

FRODO: wait no

maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins

Unimpressed

I’m sorry mrs jackson
I am four eels

I didn’t mean to make your daughter cry
I am several fish and not a guy

Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake

“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”

Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw