I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
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just had an email from my barber saying that his shop is back open and offering ‘one to one appointments’, which implies the existence of the somewhat terrifying ‘group haircut’
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Your honor, my client wasn’t trying to stab the victim. He was checking to see if he was cake
A dad and his duck
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Something Saturday.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…