Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”

[Playing House]

Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.

Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.

Child: …

Me: What?

Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.

Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.

I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.

Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.

I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me

A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.

Airport security: no liquids on the plane

Me: ok *starts drinking it*

Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo

I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.

After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.

We believe you.

[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]

OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!

SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust

Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.

Yes, I’m English.

No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.

judge: are you the defendant?

me: haha yup, guilty as charged

my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*

me: um whats the policy on take backs here

My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size

Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.

[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.

Husband: How was your day?

Me: We’re all mad here.

Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?

Me: Off with their heads!!!

Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?

Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.

Husband: I’m on my way home.

i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

me: i hate my job

gf: why don’t you try living off the land

me: like in the sky?

gf: what

me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long

Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.

First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.

Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.

Them: ‘It’s a long story.’

Me: ‘How does it end?’

Hear me out – fortune hotdogs

I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.

Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.

Just not with each other, obviously.

[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good

Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.

It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?