I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
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You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Daylight savings is not enough. You need to be daylight investing.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
The only way I could enjoy a shower more is if my showerhead made a thunder sound when it came on so I could pretend I am a leafy head of lettuce in there
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.