I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
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Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Chicago sounds lovely.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978