Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?

me: do u take walk-ins?

morgue: what

FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME

there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job

where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away

Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*

Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?

Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.

Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*

If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.

If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”

Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.

[When your mom calls you by your full name]

Mom: Scoobert Doobert!

Scooby: Ruh roh

Me too 😆

#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!

{first date}

Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek

Date:…

Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten

Date: *leaves*

I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁

theres been a horrible success at the accident factory

Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class

GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.

*12 hours later*

GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.

[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.

I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed

Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.

smh

shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés

*immediately after a hysterectomy*

ok weigh me now.

I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.

[Driving by a massive pile up]

SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.

ME: It’s a collidascope.

SON:

WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.

Good morning.

I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms

Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.

Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.

Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.