I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
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My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
i was in the park, setting up my yoga mat, when skateboard punk yolo teens (tripping on fleek pot) stole my dinosaur sketches and fannypack full of cheese
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.