Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.

Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?

I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.

They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies

Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.

The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.

Take my advice, I’m not using it.

Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?

“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently

*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*

Me: “How do you pronounce that?”

Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”

me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?

her: wedding attire?

me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man

Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.

no their not

I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.

For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater

isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange

M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!

Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag

found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it

An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…

I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.

Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle

DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos

[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*

[credits]

What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?

What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?

Age 15: kids are stupid

Age 25: kids are stupid

Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid

I cannot call her anything else now

Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv

Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.

So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.