I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
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PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief
*lint rolls you awake*
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
A woman at the gym called me handsome so I guess I’m getting married you guys.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
I think this jacket they gave me at this psychiatric facility is gay but everyone keeps telling me it’s straight.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!