Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.

“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.

So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.

My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.

daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?

5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what are your coordinates

me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion

control tower: can you be more specific

me: simba

A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.

What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??

I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.

Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.

When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.

I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.

My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…

RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name

Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath

Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?

Yes.

I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?

Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.

does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything

My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.

My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over

I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan

It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize

everywhere a sign. ⚠️

Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose

“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”

I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.

(True)

“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”

hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad

“Ok thanks dad”

well shit

Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.

[police stakeout]

me: suspect spotted

partner: again, that’s a dalmation