Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation

I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.

ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal

WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me

“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.

*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”

[pet store]

Me: your parrot called me a cracker.

Manager: maybe he was asking..

[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*

That time I was late for work and the boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed to call people that any more.”

Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today

Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.

I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face

Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.

And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”

I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.

Me: sobbing in the shower

Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet

TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO

Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.

If you want to avoid dementia, choose parents without it in their genealogy. Science shows everything is genetic. Especially intelligence

please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you

if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot

a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.

Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no

Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.

I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.

The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests

Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.

8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?

Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace

Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.

“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.

The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.

NASA: The moon is wobbling.

Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same