Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples

If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.

barber: your hair is so dry

pavlov: i forgot to condition it

Cashier: this coupon expired last week

Me: so did this yogurt

Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.

Me: They’re ibuprofen.

A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.

SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and

me: okay, thank you!

boss: thank you more!

me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.

boss: what

me: what

I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.

The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.

I dug a small hole in the Earth.

I did a handstand.

Im wearing the Earth as a hat.

My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood

These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.

I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings

My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.

ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?

GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.

Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.

I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.

UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay

Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?

When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.

[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket

They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.

Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.

Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark

Introverted vegans go meetless

Many commentators say that vigilante groups are never the answer. But they clearly don’t know the masked Ecuadorian trio named “Acción Ortográfica Quito,” who roam the streets at night with a singular purpose: to correct all the spelling and grammar mistakes they find in graffiti

Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?

Me: Are you volunteering?

When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!

GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn