Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog

I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.

Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.

Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside

Her: you mean bees?

[loud thud on the window]

Me: get the gun

Date: What are you thinking about?

Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich

You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.

JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt

ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it

OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/

When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of growing up to satisfy user needs in a way that meets business goals for transformative outcomes

nurse: how do you rate your pain

me: zero stars

nurse:

me: would not recommend

Me before grocery shopping: healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this

Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows???

We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.

[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!

I tried screaming into the void today, but the line was too long.

Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?

Friend: My oven.

SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN

Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH

Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player

Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor

Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison

A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.

O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes

Moderator: your word is “impatient”

Sloth: can you use it

Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“

Sloth: in a

Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*

Sloth: oh great thank you

Moderator: what the

When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.

Shift.

I meant SHIFT!

Oh god.

My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.

If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…

…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.

if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u

wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!

Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about

If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.

A duv-egg? In this economy?