Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two

When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.

I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.

Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.

*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”

*emotional* yes?

*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*

The British sentence that is never complete:

“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”

Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s

me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar

Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.

Them: No we get that.

In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine

“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.

ugh fine

…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman

Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here

No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.

Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand

ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard

HER: what mask

ME: oh

I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”

My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”

Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack

Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage

Them: why are you wearing fashion magazines?

Me: they’re articles of clothing

A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.

And you’ve got two faces.

Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.

Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.

Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.

horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts

Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.

I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”

If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.

Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot

They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.

The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.