Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…

[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Witness: I do.

Me: How do I look in these pants?

Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.

Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!

Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.

Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.

Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”

I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.

-No, there isn’t a town called ”Garbage” anywhere in England, stop looking at that map. I hate to break this to you, but when our neighbors called you ”King of garbage” that wasn’t a compliment

My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.

(Fancy restaurant)

Me: One food please.

Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone

Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke

interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired

me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood

I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave

Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG

vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian

every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish

People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.

Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?

me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda

“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”

Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?

By the third month of my sentence, I’d whittled a lifelike gun from a bar of soap and covered it in shoe polish. That’s how bored I was.

“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”

Mean The Same Thing.

Unless You’re At A Funeral.

I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.

Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋

me: I think I’m losing my marbles

proctologist: I’m finding them

Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls

Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*

Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL

I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.