I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
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My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
i wonder if hootie ever experimented with other kinds of fish
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.
🤪😜
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.