I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
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Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
you should get a pension for having to go to school for 12 years