I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
You Might Also Like
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”
Life: “That’ll be $200.”
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
💀🤣
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.