I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
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My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
I just smuggled 40 kilos of eggs in the US and now my name is Pablo Eggscobar.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
*looks at you in batman voice*
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
Guide to being Batman
1 Lose parents. Inherit everything
2 Let people get murdered
3 Never murder the Joker because he’s the best at puns
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
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Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.