I’ve had poops that lasted longer than the tiktok ban
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me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Me: I am a goddess. I was born for greatness. I will paint these shutters myself.
Me halfway up a 20-foot ladder: I am a land mammal. I was born with gravity. I will pay someone else to paint these shutters.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
[canadians at you, canadianly]
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.