I’ve had poops that lasted longer than the tiktok ban
You Might Also Like
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
I could have been a doctor but the game Operation made me think the inside of a human body was electrified for some reason.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
taylor swift should write a song about people who don’t return their shopping carts to the corrals
since there are no other vulcans on the enterprise and the crew has no comparison Spock could be and probably is bullshitting them most of the time
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.