I’ve had relationships like this
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A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Here’s how I get my teen to text me back: I threaten to text his friends to tell him to text me back.
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“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa