I’ve had relationships like this
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Love that every time I finish a snack I have to wave my hands around to prove to my dog it’s all gone like I’m cashing him out at a casino or something
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Your soulmate is too smart to date you
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Broke a plate. Now it’s Canadian.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
to make olympic skateboarding more realistic they should release kids with scooters into the park that the competitors must navigate around
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Why it’s so many prime days?
They broke ?
No Google it does not
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife