I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
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You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
me refusing to leave twitter
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
My grandfather poured his blood, sweat and tears into his career.
Amazing man. Horrible chef.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
don’t suffer in silence. make it everyone’s problem.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.