Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.

[bursts into garage]

“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”

i’m trying to kill myself

“but you drive an electric car”

My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.

You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.

So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.

[looking through photos of the kids]

Me: Best thing we’ve ever done

Wife: Having children?

Me: No, buying a camera

MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.

A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.

A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.

4: I didn’t know lizards were cold

6:

4:

6: BLIZZards

I used to think popcorn poppers were only good for making popcorn. How right I was!

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]

I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?

Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.

I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.

Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.

picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet

If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away

Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.

I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.

You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.

a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon

I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.

[recording studio]

me: [into microphone] studio

sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!

*walls fall over revealing secret lab*

My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night

I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.

Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten

Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious

thinking about my old neighbor that named their WiFi “your arms too short to box with god” and my other neighbor that named their WiFi “super long god boxing arms”