I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears

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the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday

his funfair is next Friday


My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.


For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.


Clown: OMG! I just crashed my car!

Clown 911: We are dispatching 20 ambulances to your location


No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.


u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same


It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.


Him: I know your secret

Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?

H: You killed someone

M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep


Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it