the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
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Women call it a secret sixth sense, men call it paranoia.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Clown: OMG! I just crashed my car!
Clown 911: We are dispatching 20 ambulances to your location
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it