I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
You Might Also Like
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.