Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”

no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I

Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..

My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂

The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.

Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]

For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.

I’m awake.

Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.

Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough

Satan: what

“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica

Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!

Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.

them: are you with someone or are you alone?

me: *winks* who’s asking?

them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.

No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies

the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first

The plot thickens.

Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.

Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mind

Her: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarm

Her: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad

[my dog at the window]

To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.

No, your message in a bottle does not find me well, it finds me drowning

Me: please, I’ve tried everything

Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware

The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.

They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”

interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

me: you opened it in Word didn’t you

Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.

This a good idea

[while house is on fire]

Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.

Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?

F: but the house is on fire.

Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie

Once again not all heroes wear capes

Being a consultant would be fun. Like “hmmm… maybe! Here’s your invoice.”

I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”

I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”