Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:

People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”

remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me

Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot

Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.

You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.

My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.

Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME

Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet

DAMMIT!

Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.

Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*

One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying

Barista: Name?

Me: Ursula

Barista: With an E?

Me: no, U

BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula

You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address

Her: *5 paragraphs of text

Me: 👍

[Shop class]

Satan: Whatcha makin’?

God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?

Satan: A bong.

1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”

On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.

Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”

*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*

I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.

It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale

I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.

did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip

“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”

Drunks & toddlers.

not to brag, but mine was free

I can’t imagine having Justin Timberlake money and driving drunk I wouldn’t even drive sober lmao

Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.

BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*

ME: *dives out of the way*

“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob