Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.

roommate: do u have any shaving cream

me: no it tastes gross

roommate: you eat shaving crea-

me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross

Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?

Me: *slides tampons across counter*

Cashier: Nevermind…

Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.

I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!

[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”

I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱

A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday

before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses

Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.

[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??

My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.

In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.

Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.

Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?

Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.

Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.

Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches

Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat

Dear BJ’s,

Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.

Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer

unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”

I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.

Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.

*crashes your wedding

Why aren’t you answering my DM?!

me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”

Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!

boss: you’re late

me: and you are not the father

Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.

wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff

me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner

Everyone has something they believe in.

I believe in drinking before noon.

I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.

I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.