I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad
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Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
to anyone wondering what it’s like going out with a woman over 40. it’s not easy.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.